A mixture of gems

Today is filled with peace and quiet.  No baby, no Betsy and no Robert.  The poor guy is working.  What can I do with my time?  I got dressed.  I vacuumed and loaded the dishwasher.  Okay here comes the fun part.  Oh wait!  There is no fun part.  Me, me, me.  Poor old me.  I don't have anything fun to do.  I'm stuck in the middle of a spider web and can kick, scream and cry and it doesn't make a bit of difference.  Actually, I don't even kick,scream, or cry anymore. It doesn't do any good and I don't even have it in me to fight FOR me.  I am green with envy over people who have a life.  We did this and we did that.  Good for you.  We, and when I say we, I mean the three of us. WE went to Frankenmuth last week.  I got the god awful question from a relative.  "Did you and Robert go alone?"  Jesus Christ.  We don't go alone anywhere.  I will admit - it was fun to do something.  I'm sure Betsy enjoyed doing something different.  We three kings of Orient are went to the casino on Sunday afternoon.  Came home with a nickle. Yes, I enjoyed myself.  It's just too bad that that it's a losing situation or I'd do it every week.  So a little fun crept into my life.  I took a couple days off from the web.  I'm back up there today.  It feels so good to be back home.

Who needs it?

If misery loves company I sure would enjoy some.  I guess I'm not really miserable  but the possibility of it is pretty close.  I realized last night that I only have three or four people that I talk with daily.  Weird, isn't it?  I spend my day with a baby that can't talk and a daughter that can't talk.  Who designed this life?  I guess part of it was me.  I love having Ella.  Couldn't imagine not seeing the little bug almost everyday.  Betsy?  Well that's another story which I'm sure you all know.  I'm not asking for help or suggestions on what I can do to make things different.  I have excuses for everything you could throw at me and I won't appreciate them at all. So shhh.   What works in your life won't work in mine.   You don't live mine.  You don't know mine as much as you think you do.  The only person that can fix it is me and I'll be damned if I can come up with anything.  My day is brightened up by Stephanie's lunch time visits, my talks with Cara, and when Robert pulls in the driveway I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders.  Cara talked me into blogging again.  I said my blogs would all be about negativity. I was worried about what other people might think.  You know, the thousands that will read it.  I guess if you don't want to read it you don't have to.  I'm actually hoping it will help me to get some of this that is traveling around in my mind OUT of my mind.  It's a swirling mess!  Hopefully, putting this on paperette some of the misery will find another place to go.  Crossing fingers and wanting it to go far away from me.

Shhhh.....

Don't anyone make a peep and so help me if those dogs bark I'll remove their vocal cords!   Betsy just left for her Tuesday morning shopping trip with Lisa.  The baby is taking a nap and I'm enjoying the quiet.  For so many years there was never quiet.  Always kids around laughing, playing, having fun.  I miss that.  Sometimes I did actually say that I couldn't wait for them to grow up and darned if they didn't.  They did it so fast I never even saw it happen. Summers were such fun.  Everyone swimming in the pool all day long.  Rainy days spent in our basement playing hide and go seek in the dark. Even when everyone started school I knew they would be around afterwards.  Homework and some more playing with the neighborhood kids.  But all good things must come to an end and are replaced by new good things.  Cara being happy with her job in California.  Steph married with a baby and Betsy content with being Betsy.  I am enjoying this moment in time.  That's all they are. Moments.  Don't wish them away they don't need any help in passing. 

Apple Core Who's Your Friend

Who is in there?  Just who is roaming around in our core.  The center of our world.  I picture the world and the outer layers around it.  There are sun rays shooting off the layers and each one is a friend or a relative who has touched our lives since Betsy was born.  We can't forget all the doctors and  nurses who have been there for us.  They get a ray.  Jan gets her own ray.  She is here for me no matter what.  The most special rays go to our other kids, Stephane and Cara.   The sisters who have loved Betsy unconditionally.  Who have never blinked at having her at one of their school events.  They treat her like each other.  Like sisters.  Betsy has been told to knock it off.  She's even been called a dork and well, she is at times.  They joke with her. Laugh with her because for someone who has never spoken a word she can be very funny.  They appreciate who she is.  Always remember that you two, the little sisters, are always the center of our world with the brightest rays we can give you.  Our life would be a little less bright without you both.  Thank you.

First Name Basis

Hey look!  I'm posting.  Been close to a year since I have posted.  Maybe that's because things have been going great and I have no need to complain.  Oh yeah, that's it.  The truth is I just ran out of things to say.  I just couldn't think of any amusing anecdotes about my life.  Typical Saturday night at our house.  Dad is watching the race and Betsy is watching it with him.  She's had her bath and is comfy,cozy laying in her supine lyer.  It's nice to see her feel good.  This has been a rough week or so for her.  She's been having pain and needless to say she can't tell us where so we have to look for any signs that may give us an  idea what it is.  We have decided it is something in her right leg or hip.  She hasn't been sleeping well and neither have we.  If things don't clear up we'll be heading to the hospital for x-rays.  I keep saying this too shall pass because it will and we will move on to something else.  So keep her in your thoughts and if you pray give a shout out to God.  He knows Betsy so you only have to use her first name. 

Dumb

I did something beyond dumb. It's actually pretty funny. I changed my language to Hindi just to see what it would look like. So guess what? It changed it to Hindi. It's really neat to look at but I don't speak or write the language so I have no idea what it says. I'm lucky I can still post in English. At least I hope it stays in English. Perhaps one of you has an idea how I can change this back or where the button is to change it. If you could tell me where the button is I might be able to find it. Help an old soul out - please.

Misery

Am I really meant to feel like shit 30 out of 31 days or 23 out of 24 hours? Do I do it to myself? God damn it I wish I had the answers. If I had something else to think about besides me me me I might be able to move on. But I might as well have my feet stuck in cement. Have some fun. Do something for yourself. Like what? With dad gone all I have is Betsy to care for and that isn't fulfilling. It takes about two hours in the morning and then the rest of the day is filled with nothing. Some days I take her to respite but that's for her not me. I have four good hours alone and I don't know what to do. If I was Robert I would go hunting or fishing. I can't think of one thing that I want to do. I just don't matter to me. There I go again - me me me. I fight all the time with me. I can picture myself living in a clean house with nothing but what is needed. One dog. No neighbors. No anybody but me. I see myself sitting on my porch, alone, enjoying the peace and quiet. I wouldn't be fighting with myself or would I? I look at the dogs and they are fine sleeping in various chairs and positions. They eat the same old food day after day, never complaining. That's me, almost. I find myself wanting to sleep the day away and eat a wide variety of foods that are mostly crap. Make a small change. Do one thing different today. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I feel desperate. Sometimes I feel like a caged animal. I want to be free from ME. Do you get it? Do you understand? Isn't there some kind of pill for this? I've been on every depression pill ever made. Doesn't last. So I'm done ranting. Didn't make me feel any better. I think I'll go back to bed where I can sleep and not have to deal with me. Finally, relief.