Misery

Am I really meant to feel like shit 30 out of 31 days or 23 out of 24 hours? Do I do it to myself? God damn it I wish I had the answers. If I had something else to think about besides me me me I might be able to move on. But I might as well have my feet stuck in cement. Have some fun. Do something for yourself. Like what? With dad gone all I have is Betsy to care for and that isn't fulfilling. It takes about two hours in the morning and then the rest of the day is filled with nothing. Some days I take her to respite but that's for her not me. I have four good hours alone and I don't know what to do. If I was Robert I would go hunting or fishing. I can't think of one thing that I want to do. I just don't matter to me. There I go again - me me me. I fight all the time with me. I can picture myself living in a clean house with nothing but what is needed. One dog. No neighbors. No anybody but me. I see myself sitting on my porch, alone, enjoying the peace and quiet. I wouldn't be fighting with myself or would I? I look at the dogs and they are fine sleeping in various chairs and positions. They eat the same old food day after day, never complaining. That's me, almost. I find myself wanting to sleep the day away and eat a wide variety of foods that are mostly crap. Make a small change. Do one thing different today. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I feel desperate. Sometimes I feel like a caged animal. I want to be free from ME. Do you get it? Do you understand? Isn't there some kind of pill for this? I've been on every depression pill ever made. Doesn't last. So I'm done ranting. Didn't make me feel any better. I think I'll go back to bed where I can sleep and not have to deal with me. Finally, relief.