Door one, two or three

It's not that simple. I don't know which door to pick. How could you possibly know which one will change my life. You don't. I woke up this morning feeling lower than low. If there was a way to describe below that, I would be under that. I thought and I thought. Is it because I am under so much stress? Am I doing this to myself? Should I be doing more for me? Where is that damn key that will unlock the right door. I looked back over the years and you won't believe what made me feel better. I have been like this since I don't know when. I am a depressed person. I don't choose to be that way either. I have my good days. Sometimes they last a couple of weeks. I get so much done and I'm just plain happy during those times. WOW!! This is nothing new! I can remember sleeping my life away when the kids were in school. I feel now just like I did then. How many years ago has that been? I wasn't under stress then. My mom was alive and she was here to help me. She'd fly in like one of the fairies from Sleeping Beauty. She'd do my laundry. Pick up the house. Anything that she saw that needed to be done. So many times after all the girls were in school I would sit down and fall asleep. I'd wake up but I was so tired I wouldn't move. Sometimes I would sleep until they came home. I didn't care. I didn't have to face a single thing. Life? Whatever it was I didn't have to face it. This happened all the time. Therapy is fine if you can function and use what tools they give you. If you walk in depressed you walk out depressed. So, get your medication adjusted one more time and peak out the basement door to see if it is safe. I have taken Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Cymbalta, Lamictal, Celexa, and Wellbutrin. This is what I can remember. Occasionally they help for a while. But never forever. My Prozac dosage was upped this week and I'm getting a second opinion as to what will fix me. Maybe nothing will. Enjoy the good times when they are here and make everyone around me suffer when they are gone. I don't know. Here's a wish not wasted. I WISH I knew.